this is where i wish i was today.... in new zealand, in the warm.

instead i am here in the cold and fed up about the xmas blurb.

it has been a weird year - i've 'lost' a few people who were dear to me and filled spaces in my life that are now desperately empty. i hope that next year will bring better things and new people.

the worst thing about getting older is the way that the years fly by so fast. i start to panic that there is so much left to do and a decreasing amount of time to do it in. plans keep getting forestalled by 'other things' and i am aware that unless i start taking leaps of faith the rest of my life is in danger of drifting in an insignificant way. but leaping on your own is hard - sharing the leap would be easier. conversely, i actually do not want to share after the leap, i just need the support to take that first step into the void.

finally, i am coming to the end of the patchwork 'scrap box'. today i am going to visit the fabric shop and buy material for a brand new project that will see me through xmas and into the new year. not sure what it will be like until i see the fabrics on offer........ though i have a rough idea.

someone at work was knitting last night and i realised that i have not knitted for a long time, so i may also buy some wool.

having made the decision that i cannot afford to go to nz i n february i am allowing myself to use heaters around the house. i now have 2 warm rooms - which is bliss. the electric bill will be a nasty shock but quite honestly my standard of life (ie warmth)has increased to the point that i do not care.

work is in a bit of a state of hiatus this week. discharging people home for xmas if possible and waiting for the rush next week as families panic about the loss of community services over the extended holiday period. it is such a shame that this annual shut down causes so many to find themselves with minimal support. it so often results in an admission for purely practical reasons (rather than symptom control) and patients and families spend possibly their last xmas together in the hospice rather than in their own homes.

i've noticed that the field fare are back on the farm - and the yellow hammers with their bright yellow heads. the bird seed bill is rising........... but they are a joy. i also appear to be feeding the pheasant population of the county! i counted 24 this morning. all shapes and colours. the really dark, almost black pheasants are numerous this year.

my 'friend' the mole is still building mountains on the lawn, but the rat activity is less this week. though i did hear something busy in the roof space last night so i must rebait up there.

no sunshine yet today - but it looks like it may break through later.................

bbbrrrrrrr..... it is a cold one this morning. my weather box tells me it is -1 outside.

i am putting off the visit to the chickens to unfreeze their water - it will refreeze immediately in this temperature. i'll give it another half hour. i cannot see them up and about yet, which is sensible.

i am going to move their pens today - when it warms up a bit - to give them clean ground. a major task and one i never look forward to. but it has to be done. the recent rain put paid to the last of the grass - it is now a mud bath (a frozen mud bath today)

egg laying is ticking over nicely. for the first time in ages i had eggs to offer at work. they were snapped up straight away by my 'regular' customers who assured me they were suffering from egg deprivation. fibbers - i know they were getting them from tescos.

i am thinking of getting a couple of warren hens again - they are the most reliable layers of all. my fancy bints feel they can pick and choose their moments, warrens feel they haven't woken up unless they've laid! good girls....

life has become an endless round of working and avoiding christmas. the latter being the hardest to do.

everywhere is tinsel, musak and irate shoppers. i hate this time of year sooo much.

my grouchiness reaches epic proportions as people become more frenzied with 'christmas arrangements' - it is just another day.......... even if you are 'religious' you do not need this month of madness. i am up for working all day everyday if required.....

last months pay packet was rubbish coz i'd had holiday time for alex's visit. i was missing the enhancements for night duty. i am on a mega economy drive this month - and next month too i expect. i have car tax and insurance due in january... always in the leanest months.......

looking at my finances i do not know how i can afford to go to nz in february - i have a bad feeling that it is not going to be 'do-able' until later on in the year. don't know how i will tell alex this - but my sensible head tells me it is just not possible (unless my numbers come up on the lottery)

when i tot up the expected - and probable- bills i have to pay, i am left with very little. damn and blast how expensive it is to live on a nurses pay.

ok - rant over.

i have settled into winter-mode now. the garden is put to bed and i am spending more time on indoor pastimes. i did do a massive prune of the conifers at the weekend. started out with a little cut back job and ended up with me tree climbing with a saw in my hand. end result looks ok - loads more light into the house now. my muscles ached for a day or two - but not as bad as i thought they might be.

i went onto you tube for the first time yesterday. i searched for new zealand skydiving and it came up with lots of videos of alex jumping out of planes with people strapped to his front. it seems that half of the uk have been skydiving in nz with my son.... the site is amazing. the things some people consider anyone would want to watch........??????.........

the tibetan prayer flag in todays picture is getting a real thrashing in the strong winds that are blowing today.... hopefully, my wishes are being carried off to wherever they go to come true....... i am waiting.........

the 'odds and ends' quilt pile continues to grow.

today my mood has lifted - i think because i can see some blue sky for the first time in days.

william is sitting on my desk with the muddiest paws i have seen in a long time. he is gainfully cleaning them and making a mess in doing so - spitting bits of mud onto the papers. he has been mole-hunting, i know that because i saw him with his head and front feet buried into the mole-mountain on the lawn. i tried to take a picture but he heard the window open and thought i wanted him to come in..................... i really didn't. the mole lives on..............

william is now sitting ON the phone - i hate it when he does this as he has been known to speed-dial numbers without any of us realising it........... at least i think it is a mistake......maybe william is smarter than i think.

this morning i find that i have spent nearly 2 hours visiting links - i started, as i do every morning, on the country smallholder's blog and kept following link after link. i have added several to my 'favourites' as i know i will revisit them frequently. i have been all over england as well as to canada and australia.....and all before 10am. there are some really beautiful blogs out there and some of the posted photographs are stunning. i have vowed that i will be more proactive with my camera and to this end i have it placed by my desk and ready for immediate use.

i go back onto nights tonight.............. i am sure that i am doing more than my fair share recently. but at least my requests for christmas have been agreed. i am working every day - and all over new year- and on days, not nights! for the last 6 years i have chosen nights at christmas and someone has died on xmas morning on 5 of the 6 years. somehow it is sadder than at any other time and that is totally illogical. maybe it's because the families are so distressed knowing that every christmas will evoke memories of the death. some people do find solace in believing that a death at xmas is a special death. this year will be as unique as the previous ones..no two deaths are ever the same.

it is market day in hereford on wednesdays -so i am not going into town until this afternoon. it will be quieter then and the parking easier. i should not have to go at all - but i managed to forget a vital something when i went on monday and i know that i will not be awake enough to drive to town whilst on nights and for the day after nights have finished. nights are a great way of saving money, i am too disorientated to bother going out! i just have to make sure that i have supplies of cat and chicken food - oh, and enough chocolate for the 4am low blood sugar moments.......

this photo is about the only bright thing about today. it has been foggy and drizzling all day. no sign of the sky. so this is a reminder of sunny days and colour in the garden.

good news on the egg front though - 4 today and 4 yesterday. i knew those cockerels were the trouble!

if i wash my kitchen floor one more time i will wear it away! cat's paws and wet weather do not go together in any way other than 'messy'.

any sensible person would limit it to once a day..............

not only are the snowdrops starting to emerge, so are the daffodils. there are loads of green shoots... it is too early but very uplifting to see them. i worry that they may get eaten by the moles that are invading the garden, destroying the lawn and making mountains in the veg beds. do moles eat bulbs? i know daffodil bulbs are poisonous to humans - but what about moles?

if they are poisonous to moles i will stuff a load down the tunnels in the hope that the moles take the hint.

alex 'facebooked' me this morning to say that his luggage has been found and has been returned to him...... i take back some of the rude things i was saying about emirate airlines. thank you emirates!

i have had a 'bonus' day today. i was offered a free, full body massage. i was just having my usual sunbed when the owner asked if i would like a massage - i said 'lovely, but i cannot justify the cost' and she said that i could have it for nothing coz she had a new girl start today and would like to see what i thought of her 'technique'.

i was stripped off and horizontal before she could change her mind. i then spent a glorious hour having a very good massage. and it was all the better for being unexpected and, of course, free.

as ever, a full body rub makes me feel sooooo laid back that i am ready for bed - and it is only 16.30. i shall have a hot bath, put the electric blanket on and go to bed and read or listen to the radio. what a fab day off..........

now that they have finished the apple harvest the orchards are alive with birds. they are eating the fruit that has been left on the ground or on the trees. the hedgerows too are being stripped of their berries. busy, busy, busy. bird table not being ignored either.

have just been up to check the chickens and have un-frozen their water. now i am slowly defrosting my fingers (i am typing very slowly). every year my fingers get worse - reynauds syndrome i think - the thawing out is so painful i could cry.... old age certainly doesn't come alone....and i'm not that old.

no eggs from the girls so i take it that it wasn't the cockerels that were stopping the girls from laying.

i have a mole mountain on the lawn - not a mole hill, it is enormous! i don't know how they can dig through the frozen ground so efficiently - but they do. i never had a bad mole problem when i had a dog. he used to sit by the first soil-movement and wait......then at some point known only to him, he would dive at the ground and dig....made a hell of a mess of the lawn but he was more successful than not. it kept him amused for hours.......... i do miss him-for many reasons.

have refreshed the bird table. it is interesting to note how many of the usually teritorial birds (like robins) are prepared to forgo the fighting for a good meal. i have just seen 3 robins feeding together and the blackbirds are like a black carpet. and the jays are back - haven't seen them for a few months. lovely flash of colours. the woodpecker family are also visiting now that the peanuts are bountiful. nuthatches, sparrows, blue tits, great tits, coal tits, chaffinches and some i'm not sure of - they are all about this morning.................. this is one of the reasons i could not live in the town, i do love watching the wildlife.