this is where i wish i was today.... in new zealand, in the warm.

instead i am here in the cold and fed up about the xmas blurb.

it has been a weird year - i've 'lost' a few people who were dear to me and filled spaces in my life that are now desperately empty. i hope that next year will bring better things and new people.

the worst thing about getting older is the way that the years fly by so fast. i start to panic that there is so much left to do and a decreasing amount of time to do it in. plans keep getting forestalled by 'other things' and i am aware that unless i start taking leaps of faith the rest of my life is in danger of drifting in an insignificant way. but leaping on your own is hard - sharing the leap would be easier. conversely, i actually do not want to share after the leap, i just need the support to take that first step into the void.

finally, i am coming to the end of the patchwork 'scrap box'. today i am going to visit the fabric shop and buy material for a brand new project that will see me through xmas and into the new year. not sure what it will be like until i see the fabrics on offer........ though i have a rough idea.

someone at work was knitting last night and i realised that i have not knitted for a long time, so i may also buy some wool.

having made the decision that i cannot afford to go to nz i n february i am allowing myself to use heaters around the house. i now have 2 warm rooms - which is bliss. the electric bill will be a nasty shock but quite honestly my standard of life (ie warmth)has increased to the point that i do not care.

work is in a bit of a state of hiatus this week. discharging people home for xmas if possible and waiting for the rush next week as families panic about the loss of community services over the extended holiday period. it is such a shame that this annual shut down causes so many to find themselves with minimal support. it so often results in an admission for purely practical reasons (rather than symptom control) and patients and families spend possibly their last xmas together in the hospice rather than in their own homes.

i've noticed that the field fare are back on the farm - and the yellow hammers with their bright yellow heads. the bird seed bill is rising........... but they are a joy. i also appear to be feeding the pheasant population of the county! i counted 24 this morning. all shapes and colours. the really dark, almost black pheasants are numerous this year.

my 'friend' the mole is still building mountains on the lawn, but the rat activity is less this week. though i did hear something busy in the roof space last night so i must rebait up there.

no sunshine yet today - but it looks like it may break through later.................

bbbrrrrrrr..... it is a cold one this morning. my weather box tells me it is -1 outside.

i am putting off the visit to the chickens to unfreeze their water - it will refreeze immediately in this temperature. i'll give it another half hour. i cannot see them up and about yet, which is sensible.

i am going to move their pens today - when it warms up a bit - to give them clean ground. a major task and one i never look forward to. but it has to be done. the recent rain put paid to the last of the grass - it is now a mud bath (a frozen mud bath today)

egg laying is ticking over nicely. for the first time in ages i had eggs to offer at work. they were snapped up straight away by my 'regular' customers who assured me they were suffering from egg deprivation. fibbers - i know they were getting them from tescos.

i am thinking of getting a couple of warren hens again - they are the most reliable layers of all. my fancy bints feel they can pick and choose their moments, warrens feel they haven't woken up unless they've laid! good girls....

life has become an endless round of working and avoiding christmas. the latter being the hardest to do.

everywhere is tinsel, musak and irate shoppers. i hate this time of year sooo much.

my grouchiness reaches epic proportions as people become more frenzied with 'christmas arrangements' - it is just another day.......... even if you are 'religious' you do not need this month of madness. i am up for working all day everyday if required.....

last months pay packet was rubbish coz i'd had holiday time for alex's visit. i was missing the enhancements for night duty. i am on a mega economy drive this month - and next month too i expect. i have car tax and insurance due in january... always in the leanest months.......

looking at my finances i do not know how i can afford to go to nz in february - i have a bad feeling that it is not going to be 'do-able' until later on in the year. don't know how i will tell alex this - but my sensible head tells me it is just not possible (unless my numbers come up on the lottery)

when i tot up the expected - and probable- bills i have to pay, i am left with very little. damn and blast how expensive it is to live on a nurses pay.

ok - rant over.

i have settled into winter-mode now. the garden is put to bed and i am spending more time on indoor pastimes. i did do a massive prune of the conifers at the weekend. started out with a little cut back job and ended up with me tree climbing with a saw in my hand. end result looks ok - loads more light into the house now. my muscles ached for a day or two - but not as bad as i thought they might be.

i went onto you tube for the first time yesterday. i searched for new zealand skydiving and it came up with lots of videos of alex jumping out of planes with people strapped to his front. it seems that half of the uk have been skydiving in nz with my son.... the site is amazing. the things some people consider anyone would want to watch........??????.........

the tibetan prayer flag in todays picture is getting a real thrashing in the strong winds that are blowing today.... hopefully, my wishes are being carried off to wherever they go to come true....... i am waiting.........